I would always have this weird feeling when I tilt my head sideways and gaze at you – I will see my heart rises up to the apex and I want to just throw it out and give it to you there and there. Sometimes I look at you wondering what else could be in there, in those eyes, that are meant for me and then I thought about how my heart fills even when I catch a glimpse of you and still palpitate. All I know is that, if this messed up, I know it only sings a sad song, on a loop. As much as it overwhelms you, it has already overwhelmed me time and time again. I wish I could just hold you tight and breathe, being close makes me calm and I am here.

叶子 阿桑 makes me very sad. it must have been tough for you bee but.. i am here.

Sometimes I think about the things that I’ve missed out in life – .. I don’t even want to start listing out. I know I have missed them and all I could feel is.. a pity for myself. Did I really allow myself to skip all these or did I really wanted to keep a distance for almost everything despite missing them? I should start loving what I have right now, and never allow myself to feel such pity ever again because I don’t want to skip the part where I miss all my best friends’ weddings, family, life and all. I will allow it back slowly.

Someday I’d introduce someone new

the feelings are incredible and we are amazing together

if the rain must fall

I realized I dont visit many websites, I can even count it with my fingers. I dont know why but.. I dont use to be like this, I am like a naughty sheep that ran from shepherd to shepherd I dont know why I gave such an analogy but.. yeah..

1) yahoo – just to read updated news

2) google – many medical shits and sometimes news too

3) twitter – to get my daily tweets from my friends and i tweet alot too just to vent out on people

4) facebook – to see what my colleagues are up to, nowadays I play cafe world (so loser)

5) i still read xiaxue.sg hahah

6) my cousin’s blog

7) charlotte’s blog(sometimes i pretend i dont read)

..

omg, thats all, i become small and so small i dont want to care about anything else, this is how is it going to be? like i am diminishing into the surface of singapore.. its like work and her, and bits of friends here and there but this is probably what i want, i dont have time since i am running like a million things in my head for now. this is how i am, this is how seclusive i get when i get what i want, i need to focus and i need to save them, i need to manage them, i need to balance them because i was never good enough for anything but right now, i want to do this right and i dont want to fuck things up, i really dont.

but i certainly hope that.. things dont fuck me up too.

anyway, i will be going for lasik (hopefully) on tuesday, under that powerful and glaring laser beam that goes “tiu tiu tiu” creating weird things on my cornea.. hopefully i will not be blind, and please i dont want to be blind. I dont know what Id do without my eyes. My eyes gave me so much but I am really tired of wearing specs, it dents my nose and I cannot wear contact lenses anymore. I know, I have terrible eyes.

Major decisions are lurking around the corner.

Like getting a bb? Hehehe it is a major decision ok.

I dont know why am I typing nonsense at this hour when I have to work in exactly 5 hrs. (and playing cafe world)

I feel so dissolved.. I guess its just that kind of night that I wish I was somewhere else watching the world go by and maybe like how Cheryl and I used to sit at Chinatown, we just watched cars drive past and lights.

I feel a tug at my heart.

How many of us truly understand the way we feel, the way we want to feel, the need to feel? I allow myself to feel out of the realm. If I feel agony in the midst of happiness, or happiness in agony, I guess that’s that.  Ironies in life we can never argue.

*dances

Gaze

I will never be the kind of risk that you will take. I wish you would so you know that you could be right and that you will never regret it ever.

Something.

It was like staring back at that robin blue sky with that burst-filled heart like you just want to jump off a plank doing triple somersaults before you dive into that endless pool and somehow at the far end you see something, something more than another pot of gold: you see something glimmering, shimmering, shattering, fizzling, sizzling, fuzzling and a sparkling .. something. It was so glimmering, shimmering, shattering, fizzling, sizzling, fuzzling and sparkling that you dont know what it was.

But I beamed at it. Never have to wonder what it was. I was totally happy.

Arranged Marriages = Arranged happiness?

So one of my colleagues, B* has tendered her resignation because she is going back to India to get married with someone she has never seen before. Arranged marriage is typical in India and no surprise it is still very popular despite being in the 21st century. I am very curious as how it would feel because obviously I will never feel it and that haha i honestly do not think that they do lesbian arranged marriage.. they dont right?

Several excerpts of our conversation from B*

“It is my first time and I am falling deep for it.”
“I trust my father, because he knows who I am more than I know about myself.”
“I want my father to choose for me.”
“He is handsome and nice, I love him already.”
“I never had boyfriends because I don’t trust any of them.”
“I never met him before, only on Webcam.”
“I am going back to meet his family for real.”
“I am going back to get married and I am so happy and I am very excited.”
“Stop talking about him, makes me wanna call him right now.”

Tons of dazzling grins.

I was awed by her, I actually felt the way she feels by describing it, and I felt this happiness emerging despite busy writing reports. My repeated questions were, ‘what if you don’t like him’, ‘what if he is short?’ and includes alot of omg(s). But she laughed my worries telling me she already loved him and that she trusts her father, and she knows he is a good man and is the one for her. They obviously talked alot even when we are working! But I really don’t mind her staying in to just talk to him because it is so sweet and so true.

I heard alot about arranged marriages and they often end up in happy endings, with tons of kids and grandkids, being happy. Because your family will look into one’s family, status, education and interests before matching up and it worked magically most of the time. I like the idea because you end up marrying someone although with chances of you hating that person, but you end up learning and knowing that person for the rest of your life instead like us Chinese, want to go steady for like 10 years and then get married or worst, not even married after 10 years.

Sometimes we should take a leap of faith and trust. We gamble our lives everyday but we don’t lose ourselves, we only lose time. You can lose a house, a husband, a wife, your kids, your money but we should never lose ourselves.

Maybe somehow arranged marriages are arranged happiness.

Maybe we should just jump into something and just hope for the best as long as we want it to be the best for the both of us and lets just run away.

Happiness can be defined some other ways, it doesn’t have to be what other people sees it as.

(I feel a glimpse of hope right now and I hope it doesnt simmer, and I hope B* lives her life happily ever after, I know she will anyway. Jing and Hui, maybe you two should give it a try, but I am not dying to have a niece or nephew ok)