Heartful

We are now grown ups. 

Like it or not. This year I turn 25 and I am supposed to check in the other box (25-30) if I am ever going to help do a survey. Probably not ever again, so bugger off if I am ever on the streets or picking up anonymous phone calls. 

Since my stint in a public hospital, I became so negative, all wise (or not), know-it-all, seen-it-all, oblivious, hard-hearted and oh, etc. I may think I have seen enough but I may not but I think srsly, seen enough. I kinda had enough with people. I already have a low threshold for people – crowds in general.

I try to shun as much. I remembered hiding under my grandparent’s bed when we were celebrating one of my grandparent’s birthday – singing song, cutting cake. Would only come out when the crowd had dispersed. Not once, but a few times until I was slightly older and tried to participate but awkwardly.

But I never had this problem in high school. I liked attention. And surely alot of attention was given on me from sitting infront of Principal’s office, declaring Chairman of Discipline committee (IKR) on podium, winning championship at zone level – drilling infront of school, winning karaoke competitions, sang in a dress in assembly, attended D&D in a dress, school color award.. What somemore? Plenty. No lack of attention. No lack of crowd.

Post graduation, I avoided going to the same Polytechnic that everyone went. I went further. I went to Jurong to attend school. I was so relieved and glad to be away from everyone I knew and completely put myself in a brand new place. I left school, it was too hard and too far. I was a rebellious kid at a late age of 17. 

I shrank going to Polytechnic. Confined to a group of friends. Confined to libraries and computer labs. So sick of doing whatever I did before. Clubbing was good then. 3 years of shit happened, fell into depressive moods, lost 20kg (thanks maine!), had plenty of girls around.

Working turned my life around. I prefer cooping myself at home or someone else’s home. Such a drastic change of how I used to hate staying at home. I prefer silence. That is why I am capable of working alone long hours. Because of the nonsensical things you see and hear, forced me to coop at home. Sometimes I even rather hear my mom kaobei me though I dont even like it much. 

Sometimes the world is so ugly, so disappointing (I include myself) and so… sad. And sometimes the world is so beautiful, so full of hopes, so worthy of everything. I think it depends on the music. No I dont think I am bipolar. 

Medan was a reflection of the kind of relationship I had with Mom, the way she had with her Mom. Loud, snappy, rude, tears, love, hate.. Maybe she didn’t know how to love me as her Mom never knew how to love her. I felt like I lost a lot in childhood that is binding me to the fate that I am going through right now. Always looking for an answer for the reason why I am like this. She may not be the best mom ever but she is still my mom, and I love her but it is so hard loving her. This is not revenge. I don’t know the kind of mechanism I have in me. It is all too strange for me to figure out or maybe this is how I am supposed to be. Maybe there isn’t any figuring to be done. 

Just flow. Improve my relationship with my Mom. Really trying. I can’t say that she disappointed me time and time again because I did the same to her. When will this cycle end? I dont want that to happen to my kid and I all over again! This is a generation curse! 

Just to reinforce, having a kid is best having with a mom around. 

For me, lucky for my kid, got 2 moms. 

First love

When I was in Medan along those kampong roads, passing green pastures and busy traffics, I found myself drifting back to my first love, J. I am not even sure if first love is being used correctly here. If first love refers to that first person you are with, then it would be my exbf. (IKR) To me, first love refers to that first person you found tremendous love and heartbreak. That someone you know that will always be a part of you.

Ok fine. Simple – my first girlfriend.

I came out when I was 13. She was my senior and was in a student government. She was leading orientation and she opened the door and walked out and peering. That was when IT happened. (That fuzzy feeling if you dont get IT) She wasn’t your regular girlish – she was like sooo handsomeee lol. I know, weird. But it happened. I went for it anyway. Labels are for cans, not us. At that point of time, being gay is like.. to me, it is so new and strange and no one knows the rules or boundaries. In other words, I dont know how to chase.

It was really weird but I got the girl after a long while. Afterall a Secondary One girl going after a Secondary Three girl is a BIG thing. Getting That Sec Three girl IS SOMETHING and she had a boyfriend then whom she broke up with to be with me. We had this trial run for like a week and we will break up if she can’t do it, and if I remembered correctly we started it on our school sports day and it was supposed to end on this particular Saturday and I woke up earlier mourning already and started recording “爱我别走” ( i dont know why it doesnt allow me to put ai – it is resisting me) on her pager voice mail. I know, early millennium is hard. Getting ready for a break up but we never broke up.

It was very sweet. Walking past her classes and winking, suggesting to go toilet together. We write letters in classes and passed it to each other in school. 暧昧！Giving eyes in meetings, pretending to not notice every single thing that each other do. It was an underground relationship in the beginning but heck, everyone knew. Pretty much everything a couple could do. Rings, neoprints, neocards! Wow. She gave me a ring with her name carved and hers with mine. I never gave rings to any girls thereafter.

It went a long while for about a year with bad grades, demotion, attempted suicide(s), beggings and cryings etc but of course there were a lot of happy times before we finally broke up when she decided to be with some other girl. Lesbians drama started way before L word.

We broke up twice I think, in Mid June and she popped pills or smth and landed in hospital and finally in Dec.

I had my first heartbreak.

It was earth shattering and it hurt so badly. It ended on new year’s eve at Downtown East at the D’ Marquee. It was so bad I wanted to die and swallowed 10 panadols. Stupid much but I was only 13. I swore I would never do that ever, ever again. It was so stupid I felt so stupid. I can’t really remembered what happy times and what happened. But I felt so much hatred for her and it was so damn bloody hard to sit in meetings, face her at training and everywhere in school. It was bad and all over the school. I began to start anew and acting oblivious to everything and I became good at it. My life carried on without her and we eventually became friends and even gave me a testimonial on Friendster.

We went on our separate lives. She is on my facebook but we dont talk anymore. It is more than a decade – I doubt she remembers anything like me. This relationship opened so many doors for me and I am eternally grateful because coming out and being gay is a long shot. And to love me for who I am, especially in those conservative years, in a co-ed school, holding positions in student government and loving someone younger and ignorant is something. That I doubt anyone could have done it better, if I were to re-live all over again, THIS i wouldn’t change.  I may have said mean stuffs when I was younger but deep down, I am thankful for this growth. I wish her all the best in health, career, family and love.

So what’s your first love like?

Theme song of 2012

I think I kinda found my theme song for 2012.

So what we get drunk
So what we don’t sleep 
We’re just having fun
We don’t care who sees
So what we go out
That’s how its supposed to be
Living young and wild and free

Yea, roll one, smoke one
When you live like this you’re supposed to party
Roll one, smoke one, and we all just having fun
So we just, roll one, smoke one
When you live like this you’re supposed to party
Roll one, smoke one, and we all just having fun

5th January

I think everyone is done with their hello 2012 and good bye 2011. I am still stuck here. 

I am not sure what happened in between. It was all fuzzy and heartbreaking and new and different, so many emotions at once. But a new year.. doesnt mean a new start. Things will stay the same – economy will still be slow, HDB prices will still be high, my pay will still be low, my parents will continue to grow old, petrol prices will continue to hike or worse – staying at $2.08/l, people will still vote for PAP despite our trains breaking down/ sbs driver getting lost/ unfortunate ‘ponding’, what? Don’t tell me these things are going to change. All your resolutions will just um go to drain? Sick of resolutions. I am just going to wish. 

2012 is going to be a significant year I believe. I dont know how big on a scale but I think it is probably/going to be life changing. 

I wish for a strong & brilliant mind and good heart.

I didn’t do many good things. Well I fed a stray cat once last year. 

Oh, I wish to be sane as well.