Ok fine. Simple – my first girlfriend.

I came out when I was 13. She was my senior and was in a student government. She was leading orientation and she opened the door and walked out and peering. That was when IT happened. (That fuzzy feeling if you dont get IT) She wasn’t your regular girlish – she was like sooo handsomeee lol. I know, weird. But it happened. I went for it anyway. Labels are for cans, not us. At that point of time, being gay is like.. to me, it is so new and strange and no one knows the rules or boundaries. In other words, I dont know how to chase.

It was really weird but I got the girl after a long while. Afterall a Secondary One girl going after a Secondary Three girl is a BIG thing. Getting That Sec Three girl IS SOMETHING and she had a boyfriend then whom she broke up with to be with me. We had this trial run for like a week and we will break up if she can’t do it, and if I remembered correctly we started it on our school sports day and it was supposed to end on this particular Saturday and I woke up earlier mourning already and started recording “爱我别走” ( i dont know why it doesnt allow me to put ai – it is resisting me) on her pager voice mail. I know, early millennium is hard. Getting ready for a break up but we never broke up.

It was very sweet. Walking past her classes and winking, suggesting to go toilet together. We write letters in classes and passed it to each other in school. 暧昧！Giving eyes in meetings, pretending to not notice every single thing that each other do. It was an underground relationship in the beginning but heck, everyone knew. Pretty much everything a couple could do. Rings, neoprints, neocards! Wow. She gave me a ring with her name carved and hers with mine. I never gave rings to any girls thereafter.

It went a long while for about a year with bad grades, demotion, attempted suicide(s), beggings and cryings etc but of course there were a lot of happy times before we finally broke up when she decided to be with some other girl. Lesbians drama started way before L word.

We broke up twice I think, in Mid June and she popped pills or smth and landed in hospital and finally in Dec.

I had my first heartbreak.

It was earth shattering and it hurt so badly. It ended on new year’s eve at Downtown East at the D’ Marquee. It was so bad I wanted to die and swallowed 10 panadols. Stupid much but I was only 13. I swore I would never do that ever, ever again. It was so stupid I felt so stupid. I can’t really remembered what happy times and what happened. But I felt so much hatred for her and it was so damn bloody hard to sit in meetings, face her at training and everywhere in school. It was bad and all over the school. I began to start anew and acting oblivious to everything and I became good at it. My life carried on without her and we eventually became friends and even gave me a testimonial on Friendster.

We went on our separate lives. She is on my facebook but we dont talk anymore. It is more than a decade – I doubt she remembers anything like me. This relationship opened so many doors for me and I am eternally grateful because coming out and being gay is a long shot. And to love me for who I am, especially in those conservative years, in a co-ed school, holding positions in student government and loving someone younger and ignorant is something. That I doubt anyone could have done it better, if I were to re-live all over again, THIS i wouldn’t change.  I may have said mean stuffs when I was younger but deep down, I am thankful for this growth. I wish her all the best in health, career, family and love.

So what’s your first love like?

So what we get drunk
So what we don’t sleep 
We’re just having fun
We don’t care who sees
So what we go out
That’s how its supposed to be
Living young and wild and free

Yea, roll one, smoke one
When you live like this you’re supposed to party
Roll one, smoke one, and we all just having fun
So we just, roll one, smoke one
When you live like this you’re supposed to party
Roll one, smoke one, and we all just having fun

I am not sure what happened in between. It was all fuzzy and heartbreaking and new and different, so many emotions at once. But a new year.. doesnt mean a new start. Things will stay the same – economy will still be slow, HDB prices will still be high, my pay will still be low, my parents will continue to grow old, petrol prices will continue to hike or worse – staying at $2.08/l, people will still vote for PAP despite our trains breaking down/ sbs driver getting lost/ unfortunate ‘ponding’, what? Don’t tell me these things are going to change. All your resolutions will just um go to drain? Sick of resolutions. I am just going to wish. 

2012 is going to be a significant year I believe. I dont know how big on a scale but I think it is probably/going to be life changing. 

I wish for a strong & brilliant mind and good heart.

I didn’t do many good things. Well I fed a stray cat once last year. 

Oh, I wish to be sane as well.

Not in work. Everything else.

Wish me all the luck and strength in the world. I really need it.

I was inspired by Scarlet Ting (lazy to link just go google). I read her for nights when I was working and seriously 199 pages of archives kept me busy from 9pm to 830am ( 2 hours break time of course). And I just completed it. Her archives are WORDY but interestingly funny at times.

Been reading blogs and reading archives. It is amazing to see how people have grown or getting worst. Maybe I just like to kaypoh. Alot. I re-read my archives too.. Apparently I have been growing but I think I am kinda still the same.

I think sometimes blogging comes with responsibilities maybe thats why i seldom blog in depth as i know there are people who are reading, would get affected and all.

and then i have such short attention span. within that last paragraph i had like a million texts from carrie asking me if i could go to macau with her. Then all my trains of thought GONE MISSING. Every single day there will be something I wanna blog in depth about but when I logged in, i feel so damn bloody sian to blog about it!!! it has concluded that i have zero interest in blogging.. for now.

FYI for updates like goh and my cousins who are the only readers, I am starting full-time next month! in Jurong Island. Stupid I know. It may spark my interest in blogging because apparently quite slacky there and growing fat (already fat) there is inevitable. My bad – it is not a oil plant. I read it online (see, so free) – It will be a chemical plant. 950 millions were invested into that construction place that I was working. Just 1 million for me is enough.. lol.

Ok i am yawning i am going to find someone’s else blog and read.

I had my first korean warm up exercise (together with ALL the workers) and my first korean breakfast (WHICH WAS NOT LEGAL as in we were not supposed to eat it but it was awesome.. 730 am eat rice, kimchi and other works) then korean lunch (WHICH WAS NOT LEGAL as in we were not supposed to eat it.. rice kimchi prawns pork) OMG I ATE MORE KIMCHI THAN I HAD LAST 5 YEARS.

My boss(es) are rather awesome for now.

I will upload pictures soon.

I got ‘eletrocuted’ a couple of times today – from the phone, to ipod.. and to the sink and water. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? Literally gave me shock la my god I dont know why! I have to use pen to touch my iphone, ipod and clothe to turn the tap omg. Once bitten twice shy. I have alot of static inside meeeee..

I am watching show and watching that giant ass spicy seaweed so yummy.. like alot of them. Its not fattening right? Cos I read the label, it says zero calories. Right? *shifty eyes* It is very cold.. but I refuse to use my jacket..lazy to fold back.

3 more hours. I want to go back home and swim into darkness.

I like sweet dreams sometimes.

We wanted to check out the new club Avalon to once again, be cool but it was too expensive to be cool and the area was awesomely crowded and I think i was grouchy because my thighs were fucking painful because intensive personal training, I had problems going up and down the stairs and my legs gave way like 3 times yesterday.

So we end home. ( I made some effort to be cool and less domesticated)

Anwyay I had Someone like you by Adele stuck in my head. Randomly but yes earworm.

I heard that you’re settled down
That you found a girl and you’re married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain’t like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.
I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
That for me it isn’t over

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I beg
“I’ll remember”, you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday it was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.
I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
That for me it isn’t over, yeah.

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I beg
“I’ll remember”, you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I beg
“I’ll remember”, you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I beg
“I’ll remember”, you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

I dont know. How do you find someone like someone? (I can’t use you here before I am accused of) It totally defeats the purpose of moving on, forgetting? I doubt you will find anyone’s that similar and that of course you don’t exactly love that replica but just using her to satisfy your unforgettable love which is unfair and imagine your replica says: you dont love me. and then yeah it hits you. But I still love Adele!!!! She rocks my soul and she is zomg only 23 years old WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING. I should be in USA picking fruits traveling take pictures having fun on the road. But I am stuck in this big industrial park…

A perfect song will be by Jewel – Fragile heart

If u want my heart
U have 2 promise not 2 tear it apart
‘Cause my heart
Has been hurt a lot
And it always seems
Love is not sweet, like in dreams
Something falls through
But I don’t want that 2 happen 2 me and u

So be
Careful, warning
Fragile heart

Last Saturday
We ate dinner at your parents’ place
Last Saturday, u said
How u feel will not go away
Well, all the fishes in the sea
Could not be happier than me

Only fools believe that
Nothing changes, nothing leaves
But I need 2 believe that we at least
Will have some dignity
‘Cause everything changes
Nothing stays the same
But that’s no excuse 2 be casual
Or 2 place the blame
U have 2 be careful with me

This song is ACCURATE. ’nuff said.